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How to be Instagram Famous: a Satirical Guide

Running out now and decided to post this. Might contain one or two typos and misplaced sentences. Will edit tonight and possibly create another post.

Continued from previous post: On Instagram

sat·ire – ˈsaˌtī(ə)r/ noun
the use of humor, irony, exaggeration, or ridicule to expose and criticize people’s stupidity or vices, particularly in the context of contemporary politics and other topical issues.
synonyms: mockeryridiculederisionscorncaricatureironysarcasm
“he has become the subject of satire”

This post will have all the above, and then some. I’m mostly referring to content creators here, more like business pages and brands who use Instagram to fuel their work. Sometimes, consumers have a hard time discerning what’s “real” and what’s fake. They lack the filter button and I won’t be surprised if years from now, people develop serious depression issues from the repercussions of Instagram fame – getting too much of it, and getting none at all. 

As someone running a brand, I subscribe to multiple business coaches and a recurring topic is usually about maximizing your Instagram users or turning those 2M followers into buyers, things the average Instagram user has no knowledge of. So while those raving likes and followers can make it seem like a brand or business is doing really good, know that on the other end, right after that follower milestone thank you and giveaway, they are hustling hard to turn those numbers to actual clients. Just felt I should throw that after-thought in. But here’s the real real! 😀

How to be Instagram Famous: a Satirical Guide

  1. When you wake up, don’t pray. Post a picture of coffee…every morning. This includes those stock photos you’ve dutifully saved without giving credits.
  2. If you are a blogger, lay on crisp white sheets (even if this means changing your purple sheets right before) and take a picture of yourself from top-down. Curling your legs in a somewhat sexy way is a plus. Reward? Extra likes.
  3. Go for brunch every Saturday without fail. Do you know how sad your followers will think your life is, if they don’t see a picture of mimosas and waffles on your page? Go ‘head!
  4. If someone follows you and you don’t follow back, it’s ok. But if someone you follow doesn’t follow you back, harass them in their dm, or spam a recent picture they posted with “kfb”. I promise, they will adjust. It’s a number of games, remember? Oh I meant game of numbers.
  5. Plan every single post. I mean, yes plan ahead if you can but if relevant content comes up, stash it away. It will spoil the look of your perfectly organized page so let that content wait till its turn to shine.
  6. Don’t reply to comments. How dare they litter your prettily aligned images with words? Oh well, they have permission to at least make your page seem busy with “interaction”, only that you’re not really in on engaging with them. They are your minions, not your audience, remember?
  7. Remind everybody how hard your life is…everyday. Because they don’t have theirs to live. Oh my bad. Watching you live yours is essentially, their life.
  8. Claim you have haters day in, day out and post subliminal quotes at your haters including “hashtag this is for my haters”. They will never understand.
  9. Dedicate your life and time to stalking and interacting with brands and persons you really care nothing about. After all is said and done, they have 2M followers and can get you to your goal of 150k followers at the end of your first week on the ‘gram. It’s doable.
  10. Don’t worry or pay any attention to converting your audience to customers. Just go around and gloat in public about how you have 200k followers on Instagram and how the world should stop because of this or like a scenario I experienced in a store, be rude to the cashier and threaten to drag down the store’s image since you have over a million followers.

In conclusion, yes, Instagram is real life. And by all means, wallow in it. I hope your bank account gets something in return. Don’t save that. Just squander it because Instagram will be around for 50 more years to fund your lavish lifestyle. 


Personal Confession

In my old life, I used to be a perfectionist. This means that sometimes, my unplanned and unpretty Instagram page bothers me…a lot! 

But when I come to think of how much work I’ve done there, how much content I have going on there, rich content if I may emphasize, then that worry becomes nullified. But it doesn’t stop this worry from coming up once in a while. I also know that by not planning my page 100%, I am able to quickly deliver relevant content to my audience, as it comes. This is why I am totally or partially against perfectly planned pages. For one, they all look the same now. I was on Instagram right from the get-go (well, almost), when those brown-vintage-like filters were it and slowly watched the ‘gram (as I like to call it) evolve from everyone using lots of filters to posting in triple grids (I call it that annoying 1,2,3 grid) to now, having perfectly planned pages with white-out pictures and a flower or coffee in between every other post for maximum prettiness. I remember in 2014, I decided to organize my posts a certain way. This was just when a few highly professional pages had started making their feed planned and me, being a step ahead wanted to make my feed cohesive before it catches on to the masses.

I did it for a week and after that, abandoned it. It was useless! And I also shared this experience with my audience. A few months later, and not too many people had what I call “pretty pages”.

Now 2 years later, the new wave of Instagrammers came along and not understanding what the sole purpose of the social media was for – sharing real time memories – they coined out rules because they tried so hard to fit in and find their niche to no avail. They coined rules, ruined the fun bit of Instagram and alienated everyone else who wasn’t doing what they were doing. Oh and how about turning Instagram to a very huge business space? So now everyone’s page is pretty (because you have to do that to get 2M followers then thank everyone plus your ghost followres and spam pages) and everything looks the same and I bet we are all just waiting for the next trend to catch on. Oh, how could I forget that trend where people would intentionally resize their images to float in the center of their page (not the vertical resizing)? That didn’t last too long. So yes, I observe a lot and if I may say, I study trends, mark them off as foolish most of the time before they catch on, and slowly watch everyone fall in, then get tired. 

That’s why i wrote this post because I don’t know how else to share my observation / frustration without coating it with a lot of satire and finally, this confession to let you know where I’m coming from.

Have fun and as with any social media, know that the time will be up for Instagram soon and we will migrate elsewhere. 

Most importantly, at least for me, I want to build a brand that will survive long after Instagram has faded.

Remain great and fearless!

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